Am I fulfilled?
In 1964, when I left home to live in Washington,D.C., I was not seeking fame or fortune but FULFILLMENT! It was my somewhat puffed-up battle cry. I was going to make something of myself before I got married! That last part makes me groan now. Those were the prehistoric days of women's liberation. I was simply not going to be one of those women "who incubate in college" until marriage! Not me, I was going to be fulfilled - first.
Luckily the "first" of that statement fell away; for to this day I am single. My latest strongly held feelings on that are: It takes one hell of a man to beat no man at all.
This question of fulfillment came up this morning in my quiet-time, I was thinking about how my lesson now seems to be to take more of an attitude of letting things come to me. I noted it Friday when I was volunteering at hospice, that I don't have to go looking for something to do, it will come to me. Maybe it's my lesson on a much more basic level. I guess it's a variation on: your mission is what is "on your plate", right there in front of me. That's a lesson I've been on for several years.
It seems to me that for most my adult life I have been on a quest - one way or another, a quest. For a long time it was a quest for a satisfying career; then it was a quest for creative expression - and that had/has many phases. Always there has been a search for meaning - for spiritual answers and practices: from divorcing myself from my Roman Catholic heritage and beliefs, to embracing ethical culture and appreciating Unitarianism, to finding emancipation through song, especially gospel-singing, to a brief flirtation with Roman Catholic ritual and some exraordinary people.
So, this morning I was thinking back to when I first really started on my quest, when I first came to D.C. 41 years ago. [That takes my breath away - I hardly feel 40 years old!] As I look back I ask the question, did I find the fulfillment I was looking for? Yes, a resounding YES. Now it might not look like what I thought I wanted but yes. Marriage was a goal in those days and now no husband, no kids. It would be great to have someone who I came first with; it would have been great to nurture and watch babies blossom into adults. I also know that some of the things I have I would not have if I had those things. Both husband and children can be liabilities and both always require tremendous effort. I have had the luxury of nurturing myself and finding out what I want and need - some folks never find that out. And I started from a deficit. Low self esteem was my heritage and depression my manageable though not-exactly-curable disease.
So, Suz! If the 21-year-old Suzanne asked you, are you fulfilled? The answer would be YES and look at the list of accomplishments:
A career helping people find jobs and designing training programs for employment;
A later career - though somewhat brief - in organization development, where helping work groups be more humane and effective called on everything that I had become at that time. It also gave me more personal vailidation and praise than anything else -maybe ever;
The joy of being Aunt Suzie - and there were years when I was a smashing aunt - a little bit of Auntie Mame - with 8 nieces and 1 nephew - who are still the lights of my life - even at a distance;
A time when I worked only 3 days a week and could devote the rest of my time in other pursuits, primarily photography but always a time of wonderful balance;
Chez Suz, not this blog, but my happy home - 25 years ago I bought a dank, dismal somewhat derelict house and with the labors of my wonderful parents I renovated it into a wonderful home. Not only that it was the focus of my rapprochment with my parents! And to top that off, I updated the house at some considerable effort last year.
Doggie parenthood took some learning but I have been fortunate to have the companionship of 3 dogs: Lily, Sweet Pea and Poppy. Lily has gone on "to the rainbow bridge" and she taught me important lessons on a cosmic level. Sweet Pea and Poppy bring me joy now.
Song, when I was about to turn 50, I found that I have a singing voice. I went to a singing workshop where I sang morning, afternoon and night and was transported. Many workshops followed leading to the transcendance of singing in gospel choirs! Singing affirmations! Glory hallelujah!
The Artist Way - it's the name of a book and a program - and the reality is my life. Opening myself to the muse is opening myslf to Life, to the Creative Source. So, I paint with dye on fabric, do fabric collage, decoupage anything that hangs around too long, write - if only this blog, and at the moment I am making "books". They are to me a folded collage triptych. What fun! I've been on a creative surge for the best part of 3 weeks and life is grand!
That gives me 8 items on my fulfillment list - but it really should be 16 items. Because after each one should be an entry: good friends! Good friends make everything else possible; A friend got me the contact with the Department of Labor - the scene of the first 2 careers; a friend told me about my house, a friend helped me to get Lily, a friend told me about the singing workshop, a friend did the Artist Way with me - but mostly my friends are just there with me through it all. They're the oil that keeps the machine functioning. Friendship is a gift but it is also an accomplishment because friendships take work too.
In the movie The Four Seasons, Carol Burnette's character says that in the beginning "when you find out a friend is a jack ass you drop'em". But eventually you realize that we are ALL asses - ourselves not the least of the asses - and we learn to live with that and with them. I am fortunate to have several wonderful human beings as friends and they should be items 2,4,6,8,10,12,14,16,18 on my list. I could put initials beside each one of those numbers to indicate specific friends. It's a perfect fit....but discretion is the better part of valor. I am happy and lucky to have each one as a friend.
Well, now that I answered that question for myself, it's time to go to my studio and make another book or whatever. Then sit on my porch this afternoon of this first day of May!
